The Change (Cause Essay Assignment)
The Change
"I FUCKING HATE THEM ALL!" I screamed inside my mind as I sat quietly in my room thinking of my classmates while I was in middle school. "Life isn't fair" I reminded myself of that cold hard fact at least once a day. Now I was not some soon to be Columbine copy cat, I didn't think that way at all, I wasn't violent at all. Everyone grows up differently, I had a charmed family life, my social life was hell though. It caused most of those "issues" everyone has yet are so unique to each person when you get into the specifics. Throughout middle school and most of my high school life my mood ranged from depressed to severely depressed to suicidal. Though there were rare bits of happiness that if I was lucky lasted a whole day. I say "through most of my high school life" because it eventually stopped, I didn't so much grow out of it as I just simply changed myself and who I was. Three general things led to this change however and they were realization, medication, and determination.
Realization was the beginning of the change. With a lack of interest in much of anything I had a bunch of free time as you can imagine. I had the same "fractured wisdom" as I call it, that I have now. I just didn't share it with anyone or use it openly. While I was lying on my bed though listening to music hoping to fall asleep to make time pass by my eyes opened as I thought about everything. I realized I didn't have to take their shit. I didn’t have to put up with their whispers about me when I talked in class. I won’t put myself in the position to be used and abused. I tried to make friends and they asked to borrow money I’d lend them a dollar or so for the lunch room only to be ignored after they spent it. I was too nervous to dress how I wanted, say what I wanted, to nervous to be me. Screw them, I’ll do what I want and if they don’t like it I’m not going to be the one pissed off about it. This realization of the fact that my depression and personality was in my control caused me to start to think of ways that I could change and get help if I needed it, it helped me realize that it was up to me, not them, to choose how my life would be whether my peers liked it or not.
I focused and changed what I could, but some of it wasn't simple environment caused depression. Unfortunately some of it was in my system, chemical imbalances in my mind. Mood swings, long term depressions, impulsive acts, a lot of it wasn't something in my control, it was in my genes. For this I went to my grandmother, she was someone who I could relate to in this case because it was also in her genes and she could give advice. We talked and ended up going to see my doctor about it, after explaining and talking with him he suggested a couple of medications, but we only went for one at a time to be safe. Over time, coupled with my determination, they helped greatly change my internal issues into something I could deal with and control for the most part.
Determination is my strong suit when it comes to solving problems that I want to solve. When there is something I truly want then almost nothing can get in my way. I made a great deal changes in my life to try and change myself and how I acted. First off came drugs, mainly pot, I stopped doing this because I didn't need the imbalance it threw into my chemicals and mood, so this along with alcohol stopped. I took some Buddhist beliefs into my lifestyle one of which was no mind altering substances. I went to the point to stop drinking soda and exercise as well. This helped my physical appearance and made me happier with it, I lost about 30 pounds in the course of a month and a half or so. So I changed my physical and my habits, next came mentality. I always cared what others thought, to the point of changing myself out of worry. I gave this up, if they don't like what I think, my beliefs, how I acted, screw them they can deal with it. I wouldn't be the one pissed off, I'd be the one happy because I was doing what I wanted when I wanted. I was determined and they weren’t going to stop me.
It's been about 5 months now and I'm doing well, while writing this I realize I'm quite the opposite now. Before I was usually depressed where if I'm lucky my spurts of a good mood lasted a day. Now though I'm usually content if not happy and I still have those spurts, though now they are of depression and if I’m lucky they only last a day. Though who doesn't go through rough times? I've lessened on the Buddhist beliefs, I still meditate though I use "mind altering substances" every once in a while though I make sure it isn't in an attempt to escape. All in all I turned most of my internal life around and some of my social life. I'm happy with this change and hopefully will be able to maintain it.
"I FUCKING HATE THEM ALL!" I screamed inside my mind as I sat quietly in my room thinking of my classmates while I was in middle school. "Life isn't fair" I reminded myself of that cold hard fact at least once a day. Now I was not some soon to be Columbine copy cat, I didn't think that way at all, I wasn't violent at all. Everyone grows up differently, I had a charmed family life, my social life was hell though. It caused most of those "issues" everyone has yet are so unique to each person when you get into the specifics. Throughout middle school and most of my high school life my mood ranged from depressed to severely depressed to suicidal. Though there were rare bits of happiness that if I was lucky lasted a whole day. I say "through most of my high school life" because it eventually stopped, I didn't so much grow out of it as I just simply changed myself and who I was. Three general things led to this change however and they were realization, medication, and determination.
Realization was the beginning of the change. With a lack of interest in much of anything I had a bunch of free time as you can imagine. I had the same "fractured wisdom" as I call it, that I have now. I just didn't share it with anyone or use it openly. While I was lying on my bed though listening to music hoping to fall asleep to make time pass by my eyes opened as I thought about everything. I realized I didn't have to take their shit. I didn’t have to put up with their whispers about me when I talked in class. I won’t put myself in the position to be used and abused. I tried to make friends and they asked to borrow money I’d lend them a dollar or so for the lunch room only to be ignored after they spent it. I was too nervous to dress how I wanted, say what I wanted, to nervous to be me. Screw them, I’ll do what I want and if they don’t like it I’m not going to be the one pissed off about it. This realization of the fact that my depression and personality was in my control caused me to start to think of ways that I could change and get help if I needed it, it helped me realize that it was up to me, not them, to choose how my life would be whether my peers liked it or not.
I focused and changed what I could, but some of it wasn't simple environment caused depression. Unfortunately some of it was in my system, chemical imbalances in my mind. Mood swings, long term depressions, impulsive acts, a lot of it wasn't something in my control, it was in my genes. For this I went to my grandmother, she was someone who I could relate to in this case because it was also in her genes and she could give advice. We talked and ended up going to see my doctor about it, after explaining and talking with him he suggested a couple of medications, but we only went for one at a time to be safe. Over time, coupled with my determination, they helped greatly change my internal issues into something I could deal with and control for the most part.
Determination is my strong suit when it comes to solving problems that I want to solve. When there is something I truly want then almost nothing can get in my way. I made a great deal changes in my life to try and change myself and how I acted. First off came drugs, mainly pot, I stopped doing this because I didn't need the imbalance it threw into my chemicals and mood, so this along with alcohol stopped. I took some Buddhist beliefs into my lifestyle one of which was no mind altering substances. I went to the point to stop drinking soda and exercise as well. This helped my physical appearance and made me happier with it, I lost about 30 pounds in the course of a month and a half or so. So I changed my physical and my habits, next came mentality. I always cared what others thought, to the point of changing myself out of worry. I gave this up, if they don't like what I think, my beliefs, how I acted, screw them they can deal with it. I wouldn't be the one pissed off, I'd be the one happy because I was doing what I wanted when I wanted. I was determined and they weren’t going to stop me.
It's been about 5 months now and I'm doing well, while writing this I realize I'm quite the opposite now. Before I was usually depressed where if I'm lucky my spurts of a good mood lasted a day. Now though I'm usually content if not happy and I still have those spurts, though now they are of depression and if I’m lucky they only last a day. Though who doesn't go through rough times? I've lessened on the Buddhist beliefs, I still meditate though I use "mind altering substances" every once in a while though I make sure it isn't in an attempt to escape. All in all I turned most of my internal life around and some of my social life. I'm happy with this change and hopefully will be able to maintain it.
posted by Jeff at 9:25 AM
4 Comments:
Hey Jeff, I read your cause essay and I think it was very well written. I think it was brave to write about a topic such as this and not care what anyone thinks, I don't think I could do that. I also like the detailing, and I'm glad that things have been working out better for you!
hey man, you havent been noting me back, but I figure Ill just keep noting you anyways lol. I like this essay. Im sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like your a stronger person now.
On the last comment I put in here, your teacher didnt agree with me. lol... people dont equal shit. hes right. Anywho. I like this essay. You have good writing skills.
You were very brave to post this! I really admire the way you wrote this and spoke out. You put alot of good detail in this. Glad to hear your doing better!!
Hey your essay was extremely interesting and similar to my own life experience.In my fight against depression,the people involved were a bit clueless I think,and messing around with several different types of medications and dosages did more harm than anything.I don't believe in the validity of most anti-depressants.It's when you realize that life isn't too bad and get in touch with who you truly are,that's when the dark clouds can be defeated.I'm glad you were able to do that.
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